Feeling Hopeful about life

This is the most courageous thing I've ever done, it's planned too. I tried to be independent over and over again. This time I might really made it.

When I graduated from college, I thought of going to Montreal, I thought of going to HK, I never fear, I could go anywhere I'm not afraid. Then I experienced trauma, lasted 10 years, I was so afraid to leave home but at the same time I hate home. I regret not loving my home more.

Now I know living alone doesn't mean you hate home, living out side is no longer effortless like it used to, it is scary and a big deal, and I hope I can make it. I can find a job and make it this time.

I used to forever be in romance bad mood, since I'm 18, I never stopped being in romance bad mood, from 18 till I'm 34, a long 16 years, especially when I was in college, my parents pamper me, I sometimes go on shopping spree, I go binge eating, I try new things all the time, meeting with strangers, going to modeling class, go on singing competition, go to karaoke session at bars, living at other friend's homes, etc. and feeling depressed. |To make a living is effortless. I listen to Mariah Carey's "I wanna know what love is, I want you to show me", and I'm so touched by it. 

Like I know how it feels like to not lack anything but a love and a inspiration, have all the things I could try, not lack money, people just respect me because I'm pretty, and I'm depressed, so I seem deep for my age, to have a romance not working out for me, to deeply loved.

Now, I feel so excited to live on my own, to fear not being able to make a living, to be courageous, and try to believe I can make it, it's a calculated risk. I might not make it this round, I would say 5 to 15% chance, but I might, and I never felt the excitement I felt for my life.

There are boys I like, boys are the most amazing thing in the world. But I never felt so excited for my own life, and a love for wanting to make it this time. And hopefully the belated, nearly 20 years belated romance can arrive, and 20 years later, after I first. had a taste of love, I can finally have a romance for the first time in my life, in person, have that person listen to me, and maybe hold my hand.

Add: I'm excited for my own life, I just watched a play today, out of the brokeness of my finance, I went to watched a play! I cooked 4 meals yesterday, I handed in more than 30 resumes in person, can you believe it? I mean I done all these things before, but now I'm doing this while I'm on my own, not living at home, planning it as if I'm a independent person, after feeling so detached from being bold, stuck in my parents family, couldn't meet anyone worth meeting, only working and going back home and sleep. Now I'm reliving a college life, but completely independent, and have to be responsible for my finance, can you imagine how exciting it feels? (if I make it that is, and I'm trying really hard, and I might make it!!)